U R A GLASWEGIAN If:
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie ;-), Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Ye get four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canny pass a chip/kebab shop wi'oot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished wi'oot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wear shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. A big flash car has a ned at the wheel.
17. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
18. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
19. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
20. Finally, you are 100% Glaswegian if you have ever said/heard these words... how's it hingin - clatty - boggin - cludgie - pished - get it up ye - wee beasties - arse bandit - amurny - awa an bile yer heid - peely-wally - humphey backit - Ba'-heid - baw bag - dubble nuggit.
<<0>>
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the
next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - 'Aye right.'
~ ~ ~ ~
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.. 'Aye, same as masel...
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
~ ~ ~ ~
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke.
~ ~ ~ ~
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.
~ ~ ~ ~
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
~ ~ ~ ~
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
~ ~ ~ ~
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
~ ~ ~ ~
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
~ ~ ~ ~
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
~ ~ ~ ~
Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire. -- The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
~ ~ ~ ~
A Glasgow lady is looking to re-enter the work force, now that the weans are all grown and gone from the home.
But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctor"s fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab.
When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctor's! And he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a sixteen year old".
Nettled, her hubby snorts and says "Well, what about your fifty year old arse?"
Her smile grew broader. "Your name never came up."
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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. ~~ Aristotle
