Have a Laugh

Not so serious:  
Kid's stuff - Those Scotsmen - Murphy strikes again (not Polish or Irish Jokes) - Not just the kids - Medical - Insults Malpractise - Alien Abduction - They wish they hadn't said it. Verse - Lawyers - Everybody, Somebody and Nobody - Children in church - In the Office - OK an Irish joke - or two - In Court -Silly headlines - MENSA Test - The best candidates for surgery - Toilet humor - Divorce - Inner Strength - Accountants - Letter to my Bank Manager - Are you Glaswegian

More Humor pages
Humor2 | Humor3 | Humor4 | Humor5  | Humor6 | Computerhumor | Men v Women | Corny | Officialdom

JUST ABOUT SUMS THINGS UP.......
London 11th August - A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Met Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

~ ~ ~

Subject: Lawrence Livermore Labs Discover New Element!

PRESS - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

The heaviest element known to science was discovered several months ago and then studied by physicists at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories.

The element, named Administratium, by it's co-discoverers Dr. James F. Cabinet and Dr. Fi Ling Drawer has been defined to have no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutron, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers (now employed by IBM), a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it normally would occur in less than a 1 second and reduced yield by 75%. The article was submitted to "The Journal of Science" but was rejected due to administrative regulations.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years at which time it does not actually decay, but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange quantum energy states. Some studies tend to indicate that the atomic weight might actually increases with each reorganization. Sometimes the neutron sucks up all the reaction and then disintegrates; one of the lesser neutrons takes its place. This requires the loss of another reaction to increase the neutron's energy state. The results of definitive experiments are under administrative review at this time and can not be published.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally. It tends to self-generate most often in statistically significant concentrations at universities and then concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large computer or aerospace corporations, and formerly disintegrated neutrons generally tend to reintegrate with tenure at universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction when it accumulates.

Frantic attempts are being made to prevent irreversible damage, but results to-date are not promising. Attempts to control it simply cause more Administratium to be made. Additionally, any attempts to ignore Administratium tend to rapidly accelerate its creation.

Bill McCaslin 14 Dec 2003

~ ~ ~

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

~ ~ ~

Why did the Chicken cross the road? 
SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken. 

GEORGE W BUSH We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground. 

COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. 

TONY BLAIR I agree with George. 

HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. 

DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. 

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. 

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. 

TRICIA Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road. 

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace. 

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. 

KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability. 

RONALD REAGAN What chicken? 

SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. 

BILL GATES eChicken2005 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. 

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? 

BILL CLINTON What is your definition of chicken? 

THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken 

THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing. 

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one? 

HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n 

~ ~ ~

The Accent

At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chrétien; "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis" replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon petit chou, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'appiness!'

~ ~ ~

The American

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat."

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the open window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An elderly Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing daft things. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

~ ~ ~

Listen to the kids - they know useful stuff. Share your offspring's funnies with our readers:- 

Subject: Genuine txt message 

Hi guys

Here's a genuine txt message I received from a friend last week:

Sam - badminton racquet - gerbil - not good

Sam is his son of just under 4 years old...

Made me smile anyway - Allan  White

~ ~ ~

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8

Don't listen to me when I talk to you. Kelsey, Age 3

<<<>>>

CHILDREN IN CHURCH 

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." 

 A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." 

 After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

 A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

  A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" 

 A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"  

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" 

 Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.  

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook." 

 A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. One day the actor playing the part became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!" 

 Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." 

 A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

MORE KIDS IN CHURCH

Good Point... 
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA be dead!"

~ ~ ~

I was raised in a strict PCA (Presbyterian Church of America) church  home. As a child I heard this joke: Q "Why are Presbyterians opposed to pre-marital sex?" A "It leads to dancing." Now this was when I was  quite young. So surely you understand a child of nine years in 1954 might be confused a bit. 

Our family attended the funeral of a friend who was PCUSA (Presbyterian Church of the United States of America), IMHO a sadly deluded liberal faction. One of the hymns they sang and we did not sing had this line, "gladly the cross I'd bear." As a child I heard that as "Gladly the  Cross Eyed Bear." On the way home I enquired of my grandmother why we were singing about a Bear in church. She asked more and I explained, "Isn't church to help us see? Why are we singing about a Bear who is glad he  can't see?" 

Bill McCaslin http://www.documentimage.com

In those years ladies wore girdles and corsets. They were universally referred to as a "Foundation." But I didn't know that at the time. One morning in church I made what I thought was an important connection;  recall I'm nine years old. We sang a song that had this line, "The Church's  one foundation is Jesus Christ our Lord." On the way home on that hot  summer day and many times before my grandmother remarked, "Whew! I can't wait  to get home and get my foundation off!" I asked, "Why do we go to church  to get our foundation and then come home and take it off?" Subsequent to that revelation I was introduced to the mysteries of a lady's "foundation"  ... a prospect which has horrified me ever from that day. Bill McCaslin Dir. Technical Services & Training http://www.documentimage.com

~ ~ ~

Not just the kids !  Adults can be just as stupid.  More pranks and hilarity!  

If you find that you can't remove a stain from your shirt...then give it to your Mum -- Daniel Anderson -- Milton Keynes  England  <;o)  

"After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds, England changed his name to 'Yorkshire Bank PLC are Facist Bast***s'. The bank has now asked him to close his account and Mr Bast***s has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque made out in his new name" --  Bony

~ ~ ~

These Scotsmen!

In the lounge of a London hotel the guest from Scotland had been boring everybody with tales of the wonderful things he had done in his time.  Well now said a weary guest, at last, "suppose you tell us of something you can't do and I will show you that I as an Englishman can do it".  Thank you kindly, replied Sandy, "I canna pay my bill".  

Two Scotsman went bathing in the sea and one bet the other 50 pence that he could stay longer underwater than his companion, who promptly accepted the wager.  The bodies have not yet been recovered.

A man who was about to pass away sent for his friends, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.  "In my time" he said, "I've been a pretty good friend to you all, and now I'm going to ask you to show your regard for me in an unmistakable way.  Before I'm taken to the tomb, I want each of you to place £20 in my coffin.  Do you promise?"

They promised, and in due time performed.  First came the Englishman, who respectfully deposited a twenty pound note: next, the Irishman, who sorrowfully put in a similar bank note: and, finally, the Scotsman who gently remarked, "just cash it when it suits you John," took out the two £20 notes and dropped in a cheque for £60.

~ ~ ~

The Fake Bus Pass

In Edinburgh, Scotland the bus is a popular form of transport and occasionally a passenger will try to cheat. So when the driver's suspicions were raised by a pass he took the pass and examined it more closely. The woman abandoned the pass and quickly left the bus. It was a fake, made with a scanner and PC, but pretty realistic.

The pass contained a photograph of her, so 2 days later the bus company had the fake card, complete with photograph, 3 foot wide displayed upstairs and downstairs in all their buses. A banner proclaimed to the city of Edinburgh "This Woman is a cheat" Needless to say, the bus company has not lost too much revenue lately.

Political Correct Signs in Scotland  

Sign prominently displayed in the window of a business in Campbeltown Scotland

'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE OF OUR SOLDIERS!'

Scotsmen in the dock

Now that reminds me of the story of old Sandy who was in court for being drunk and disorderly. He remarked to he Sheriff, "Yon big polis Sergeant is jist a rotten big bastirt. Ah wisna daein ony hairm".  "Now Now, Sandy", said the Sheriff, "You are not allowed to say what you like in court aboot the police". "Weel", said Sandy, "Kin Ah think whit Ah like". "Yes , Sandy", said the Sheriff, "No one can stop you thinking what you like". "Aye, Richt", said Sandy, "Weel, Sheriff, Ah hae tae say Ah still  THINK yon big Sergeant's a rotten Bastirt".   

Reminds me of Wee Jimmy up in the dock for Drunk & Disorderly. The judge  asks how he pleads...Wee Jimmy stands up and says, "It wiz me, your honour, hands up I was drunk as a judge". The judge taken aback and not a little offended says in his best Kelvinside accent, " I believe the term you are looking for is drunk as a lord, its SOBER as a Judge", Wee Jimmy looks thoughtful. "Right enough M'lud".  Frae Auld Bob Poffers:

The story is told of a young Scottish lad named Angus who was sitting with a wee lass on a low stone wall, holding hands, silently gazing out over the loch.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my
hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock for several minutes before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Weel, noo," he said,"my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?

~ ~ ~ ~

Hardy Folk

40 degrees F - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland strip down to their vests and sunbathe  
35 degrees F - Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down.   
20 degrees F - Folk in Florida wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a long-sleeved T-shirt.   
15 degrees F - Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the North Sea.   
Zero degrees - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Scotland have the last BBQ before it gets cold.   
10 degrees below zero - In Miami, mortality rate due to exposure rockets. People in Scotland enjoy an ice cream.   
20 degrees below zero - Californians fly away to Mexico for a holiday. People in Scotland relent and throw on a light jacket.   
80 degrees below zero - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone" Winter Survival" classes because it's not cold enough.   
100 degrees below zero - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland pull down the ear flaps on their balaclavas.   
173 degrees below zero - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland get frustrated when they can't defrost their porridge.
297 degrees below zero - Microbial life start to disappear. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.   
460 degrees below zero - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "Here it's chilly, you cauld an aw?"   
500 degrees below zero - Hell freezes over. PEOPLE IN SCOTLAND START TO SUPPORT ENGLAND IN THE WORLD CUP!

~ ~ ~

Cheerful Folk
Depressed Man Diagnosed as 'Scottish' - A 'true' story from a US newspaper... 
Alistair McGregor, an expatriate Scottish man living in America, was  recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on  anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when  doctors realized he wasn't depressed at all... only Scottish. 

Mr. McGregor, a Scottish man whose characteristic pessimism and  gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression,  was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric  system.

Doctors described McGregor as suffering from Pervasive Negative  Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst,  whether it's  trains arriving late, Scotland's chances at winning any international  sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.  "The satisfaction Mr. McGregor seemed to get from his pessimism  seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort,  Ginseng", said Mr. McGregor. "They even told me to sit in front of a  big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling  them this was all pointless and they said it was exactly that sort of  attitude which got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of  "weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect of which was six  hours of  speedy repetitions of the phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too  bad, really."

Mr. McGregor had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to  talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and  later how difficult and wet it was in summer. The doctors felt he  wasn't responding to therapy at all and so recommended drastic action  - namely ECT or shock treatment.

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the  rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my  accent," said Mr. McGregor. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think  we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of Scottish comedy giving her an  understanding of the Scottish psyche. "Classic comedy characters like  Chick Murray, Will Fife and The Crankies, all hopeless cases with no  chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she  explained to the baffled US medics. "In Scotland, being depressed to  the point of suicidal is considered the norm and is not seen as  pathological at all."

Identifying Mr.McGregor as Scottish changed his diagnosis from  'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was  immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly  colored leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt. 

~ ~ ~

From the Personal column of a Scottish newspaper:

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone,  Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango  sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.  Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.  Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested  in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on  Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée  seeks decent, honest, reliable woman - if such a thing still exists in  this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a  few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,  writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,  seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we  bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy  journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will  include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social  functions. References required.  No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the  arse end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big  chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and  dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering  dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.  Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler  competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks  nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent  comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!  Box 30/41 

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

~ ~ ~

The English strike back

The English, the English, the English are best: 
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest! 
The rottenest bits of these islands of ours 
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers. 
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot; 
You'll find he's a stinker like as not.

The Scotsman is mean, as we're all well aware, 
And bony and blotchy and covered with hair. 
He eats salted porridge, he works all the day, 
And he hasn't got bishops to show him the way. 

The English, the English, the English are best: 
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest! 
The Irishman, now, our contempt is beneath, 
He sleeps in his boots and he lies in his teeth, 
He blows up policemen (or so I have heard), 
And blames it on Cromwell and William the Third. 

The English are noble, the English are nice, 
And worth any other at double the price! 
The Welshman's dishonest, he cheats when he can, 
And little and dark, more like monkey than man. 
He works underground with a lamp in his hat, 
And he sings far too loud, far too often, and 
FLA-A-A-T. 

And crossing the Channel, one cannot say much 
For the French or the Spanish, the Danish or Dutch; 
The Germans are German, the Russians are Red, 
And the Greeks and Italians eat garlic in bed. 
The English are moral, the English are good, 
And clever and modest and misunderstood! 

And all the world over, each nation's the same, 
They've simply no notion of Playing the Game: 
They argue with umpires; they cheer when they've won; 
And they practise beforehand, which ruins the fun. 

The English, the English, the English are best: 
So up with the English, and down with the rest! 
It's not that they're wicked or naturally bad... 
It's knowing they're FOREIGN that makes them so mad! 

~ ~ ~

Not just the Kids or the Adults -- Computers too !!

Murphy's Technology Laws: More mirth and funnies from the man who brought you sliced bread with butter and jam on the carpet.

Murphy's Technology Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.

Murphy's Technology Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9:
All's well that ends . . . period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

 A Story of Alien Abduction

Not one of the usual tales of being tied down, probed and abused by little grey, orange or silver men. My experiences were considerably less unpleasant and I was returned with quite a warm feeling to this wonderful planet. In truth it was not so much abduction as a VIP excursion. My experiences were stimulating and exciting and combined the best aspects of a cruise, a white-knuckle ride and a study trip. The planet that I visited was one of fascinating diversity including, in places amazing sophistication

The denizens of the planet were almost human sized and had many other similar characteristics however it is somewhat disconcerting to have your companions alternately hopping and shuffling along-side you

The reward ceremony was quite amazing, there was another off world humanoid who actually gave a little speech in the local "tongue", My thank-you speech must have been well translated as it was well received and given quite a noisy applause.  There was a selection of prizes and the award that I chose was a beautifully replicated example of their prehistoric pottery.

The hospitality and friendship that I was shown was almost overwhelming and during my stay I was shown many astonishing and wonderful sights by my hosts.

The only negative aspect, if it can be so regarded, was that my hosts were so hospitable and the entertainment and feasting so enjoyable that I found it difficult to tear myself away and persuade my abductors to return me to Earth. "So that, Eminent Ladies and Gentlemen is the main reason why I am slightly late, flustered and dishevelled on this thrilling occasion.  

To be given another award so soon after I received the last is a first for me but an exceedingly pleasant one. It is indeed the highest point in my life to qualify for this prize at the The International Tall Story Societies' award ceremony, again I apologize for my lateness". -- Anon

Subject: True Medical File Entries:

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge Status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

She is numb from the toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

The patient has two teen age children, but no other abnormalities. Submitted by Simon Ashworth -- Somewhere in the South-West of England

They wished they hadn't said it

No woman in my time will be Prime Minister.-Margaret Thatcher, 1969 .........She became Prime Minister in 1979

Churchill? He is a busted flush.-Lord Beaverbrook in 1932, explaining why he would not give the man a job on his newspaper. Ten years later he was Prime Minister and his boss.

My uncle is a peaceful man, he thinks war’s not worth the candle.-Willie Hitler speaking about his uncle Adolph, 1937 .........

X-rays are a hoax.-Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society, 1900.

Man will not fly for fifty years.-Wilbur Wright to his brother, Orville, In 1901 .........In 1903 Wilbur and Orville flew.

Space travel is utter bilge-Dr. Richard Wooley, Astronomer Royal, 1956. ........The first sputnik was launched in 1957

This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?-American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.

Edison’s electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men.-British Parliamentary society set up to investigate electric lighting,1878.

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. Ken Olsen ........Head of the Digital Equipment Company now part of Compaq,1977.

Verse? Ode to Broccoli
Sweeter even than Betty Grable is that fabulous vegetable
For a taste of my favourite brassica, whole nations would I massacre
Comparisons to the rose and the lily are inapt and utterly silly
George Lincoln-Bush 1999 parker_bowles@aol.com 

A nursery rhyme brought up to date!
Little Bo-peep has lost her sheep
but I know where to find them.
They're in the deep freeze with packets of peas
neatly stacked behind them.  
BJOHNnospambarker@cs.com  

Some verse to celebrate Toilet Week in the UK
Oh Domestos, champagne of the smallest room!
You sharpen the atmosphere , cut through the gloom,
For seventy five years you've killed al known germs
You've protected our children and daddies and merms [sic]
Ian McMillen, Barnsley UK

More bad poetry can be found at: www.coffeeshoptimes.com/badpoet.html 

Don't move, I want to forget you just the way you are ! 
· If you ever need a friend...go buy a dog ! 
· You only have one bad habit, breathing ! 
· If there's ever a price on your head, take it ! 
· I'm going to name my first ulcer after you. 
· Why don't you resign from the human race? 
· Why don't you sue your brains for non-support? 
· If Moses had seen you, there'd be another Commandment. 
· That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die? 
· I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you? 
· Your tailor must have a great sense of humor. 
· Look at you--was anyone else hurt in the accident? 
· You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. 
· Sit down--you make the place look shabby. 
· Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle. 
· Can I use your head for my rock garden?

~ ~ ~

Who's an Oxymoron??:

'Military Intelligence' is a contradiction of terms. -- Alan Brighton, englishnsp.bob@tesco.net

Everybody, Somebody and Nobody
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn’t do it. 

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done !  -- Anon

Lawyers

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, North Carolina (NC) lawyer purchased a box of very rare and  expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and  without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the  lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer  stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance  company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed  the cigars in the normal fashion.mmmThe lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that  the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer  "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars  were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire"  and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his  loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on  24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the  previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of  intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in  jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal  Lawyers Award Contest 

PS: I have some doubts about the veracity of this tale as it was emailed to me by a lawyer friend - Ed

~ ~ ~

Cross Examination A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this: 

  Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?   

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.   

Q. Officer, who provided this description?   

A. The officer who responded to the scene. 

A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.   

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?   

A. Yes sir, with my life.   

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?   

A. Yes sir, we do.   

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?   

A. Yes sir, I do.   

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? 

A. Yes sir. 

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?   

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

So sue me!

• What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.

• What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement.

• What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

• Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi

• How does an attorney sleep?
  First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

• If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

• What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good.

• What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of lawyers do?
  He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

• What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

• What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

• What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

• Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? - New Jersey got first choice.!!!!!!!!

Reptiles

Two alligators who had recently graduated from Oxford University returned to their home in Louisiana. They were relaxing on a mud flat taking in some sun whiling away the day luxuriating in their summer leisure. Small alligator, "We've been together all our lives. We grew up together, attended the same schools, dated the same alligator girls, played alligator football, we eat the same food drink the same drink, we even eat at the same places. We're always together. My friend, I can't understand why you're nearly three times my size." Large alligator, "It must be your technique or your manner of dining. Tell me" he said, "how do you dine?" Small alligator, "Just like you I crawl up to the back of the Courthouse, sneak between the bushes and the wall, peek out to make sure no one can see me and then I rush out to hide under a BMW, Lexus, Rolls or Porsche. When a lawyer comes up to his car I lunge at him bite him, kill him and shake the excrement out of him. Large alligator, "Ah! I thought so. Your technique is appalling! You should know when you shake the excrement out of a lawyer all you have left is a mouth, an anal sphincter and a briefcase full of paper."  -- Bill-McCaslin" bmccaslin@nospamtelocity.com   

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't  have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the  other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a  pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car,  which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once  underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are  too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad  to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot  high!"

Engineers and Managers

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a chap below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The man on the ground replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the chap, on the ground, "How did you know?"

"Well" answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything you've delayed my trip."

The man on the ground responded, "You must be in management".

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," said the man on the ground, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault".

Lawyer Brains

A woman with a brain tumor was surprised when her doctor called her. and told her of anew. experimental brain transplant procedure. When she met with her doctor, he told her that she would require the transplant of one pound of brain. The doctor then asked. "What type of brain do you want?"

"What type?" the woman asked. "That makes a difference?" "Yes." replied the doctor. "There is a substantial difference In price. For example, one-pound of brain from a surgeon costs £12.000. while you can get one-pound of brain from a nuclear physicist for £15.000. and so on. You will gain some of the qualities associated with the profession of the brain donor, so your choice can make a big difference."

"Can you give me one-pound of brain from a lawyer? Ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of being a trial attorney."

"Sure. Let's see. That's £250.000." the doctor replied. "You're kidding me I That's outrageous." the woman gasped. "That's over forty times what a surgeon's brain costs."

"Actually, it is quite reasonable." the doctor replied. "Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to produce a pound of brain?

~ ~ ~