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My Friends ...
My heartfelt appreciation goes out
to all of you who have taken the
time
and
trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for
making
me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks goes to whoever sent me
the e-mail about the rat crap in
the
glue on envelopes, because now I use a wet sponge to seal my envelopes.
You
probably saved my life.
I also scrub the top of every can I
open, thanks to an e-mail from one
of
you.
Because of your concern I no longer
drink Coca Cola, because it can
remove
toilet stains.
I no longer use Glad wrap in the
microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on
pay phones, because I could be
pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing
deodorants, even though I smell like a
water
buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping centres,
because someone might drug me with
a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone,
because someone will ask me to dial a
number,
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their
"chickens" are actually horrible
mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any trainers, but
that will change, once I receive my
free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer worry about my soul,
because at last count I have
363,214
angels
watching over me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that
God answers prayers only if I
forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any money in my
savings, because I gave it to a sick
girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). In
fact, I
no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the
£15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their
special email program.
I want to thank you so much for
looking out for me.
Now I would like to return the
favour. If you don't send this e-mail to
at
least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon, with a
wicked
case of diarrhoea, will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon.
I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my
next
door neighbour's, ex-mother-in-law's, second husband's,
cousin's
beautician.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
YEAR
1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. Pope died.
YEAR 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. Pope died.
If in the future, when Prince
Charles decides to remarry, please
warn the Pope and the Australians.
<<<>>>
GREAT
TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN
HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise
cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
the
second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your
food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your
hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS
THAT ADULTS HAVE
LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a
tree.
2) Wrinkles don't
hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the
toy.
GREAT TRUTHS
ABOUT GROWING
OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is
optional.
2) Forget the health food. I
need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair
that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody
bothers to
ask you the
questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
<<<>>>
THE
FOUR STAGES OF
LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa
Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa
Claus.
3) You are Santa
Claus.
4) You look like Santa
Claus.
<<<>>>
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your
pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having
friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers
licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having
money.
At age 50 success is . . . having
money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers
licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having
friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your
pants.
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
An elderly lady in Florida did her shopping and,
upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of
her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation - they got out and ran
like
mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the
back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that
she
could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then
it
dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He
pointed
to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a
car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet
tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a "senior moment", make it a memorable one
~~~|H-n-T|~~~
Cancel your credit cards...THIS IS SO FUNNY
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless,
and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A
lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more
I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
<<<>>>
An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney on the week before Xmas and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Brisbane and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas, and paying their own air fares."
<<<>>>
An old farmer in Iowa had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was
properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm
every time
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement
by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to
get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on. (This
also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay
home with the kids or start a 'home business'.
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and
desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a
'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic
device to get
it to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just
above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the
'adminisphere' are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems
they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the
dreaded
'administrivia' - needless paperwork and
processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web
error message '404
Not Found' meaning that the requested document
could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've
just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit
'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical
adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars'
comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants
often wear to
show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
when viewed
from the outside, but there's actually naught in
there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come
back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday
morning before you
wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and
leaves a 10-
Pinter in your bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3:00am.
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will
be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
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